


Snape’s Best Memory

by rayvyn2k



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 09:51:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1894599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayvyn2k/pseuds/rayvyn2k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape has a bittersweet memory he revisits from time to time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snape’s Best Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Entry for the Sycophant Hex Death Day Festival August 2011
> 
> #4. First person narrative from adult canon character.  
> Note: Must know enough to convincingly create a canon characterization from the books and not the movies. Create a scene from a book from a living character’s perspective.
> 
> (I tweaked it a bit. When I re-read it, I noticed I hadn't mentioned their childhood together, so I added a few mentions.)

_“Get out, get out, I don’t want to see you in this office ever again!”_

_…as Harry hurtled toward the door, a jar of dead cockroaches exploded over his head. He wrenched the door open and flew away…_ *

I slam the door behind him with an angry thought before I turn, walk to my desk and sit heavily in my chair. My hands tremble as I reach for the Pensieve and draw it across the desktop until it is sitting before me like a coiled serpent. 

Damn Potter and his infernal curiosity. He had no right to invade my privacy like that.

I feel a flush creep across my face. I never wanted anyone, least of all _Harry_ bloody _Potter_ , to know what had happened on that day. Once again, I feel the familiar nauseating humiliation bloom sickeningly inside. The passing of the years has done nothing to lessen the horrific memory. I have watched the events of that day again and again in the Pensieve and yet, I still do not understand why Potter and his gang took such delight in bullying me…why they hated me.

James’ voice taunts me from the past: _"…it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”_*

What kind of reason was that to hate a person? _“...because he exists”?_

But they did. From the beginning. And the feeling was very mutual. I hated them all. With one exception. 

Lily.

There is an unwelcome tightness in my throat as I remember the way she stood up for me—and the ugly words which I have had years to regret saying to her. I spoke without thinking, flinging all of my hatred of Potter and his gang back at him through the dreadful slur, and she got caught in the crossfire. The sneer in her voice when she called me _Snivellus_ has the power to drive a stake into my heart, even now. 

I make sure to listen to it often. 

But there’s another memory I have of Lily—which is just as painful for all that it was one of the happiest days of my life. And I do not need Dumbledore’s Pensieve to recall it perfectly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a week before O.W.L.S. and I was in the library, sitting on the floor between the stacks of books, studying. I often hid myself away in this manner to avoid the other students. Especially Potter and his gang of toerags who took every opportunity to torment me. I was working on creating the Sectumsempra spell, something to fight back with, something _they_ could not counter. Surrounding me on the floor were several open books, including my copy of _Advanced Potion Making_ into which I was scribbling my notes. My potions book was the safest place I could think of, hardly any chance of someone nicking it when everyone had one of their own. The perfect place to keep new Dark spells private.

I was so engrossed, I never heard her approach. 

“Excuse me. Severus?”

Startled, I looked up into the green, almond-shaped eyes that haunted my dreams. 

She smiled and indicated the wide-spread clutter which encircled me, virtually blocking the aisle. “Would you mind checking to see if ‘The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection’ is on the shelf?”

My throat was so dry, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to answer. Even though she was Muggle-born, and therefore considered dirty by every standard preached by the pure-blooded fanatics who were flocking to Lord Voldemort at the time, I had always thought she was beautiful. She had been pretty when we were children together, but she had really blossomed in the last couple of years. Her pretty face was framed by thick dark red hair which fell to her shoulders. Like the other girls of the early 70s, she wore her skirt too short, revealing her long, shapely legs. She had a narrow waist and her regulation blouse did nothing to hide her…other assets. Since we had been sorted into different houses first year we hadn't had many chances to socialize. I only ever saw her during DADA and Potions classes which the Slytherins shared with the Gryffindors. So, of course, Potter, Black and the others were always there, too.

“It isn’t,” I managed to croak. 

“Oh,” she said, disappointed. “I really need it to finish an essay…”

I swallowed. “It is not on the shelf because it is here,” I pointed to the open book in front of me. “On the floor.”

Lily’s face split into a smile. “May I borrow—” she paused, and I could see the wheels turning in her head. “Hang on—hey, Severus—mind if I join you? It's been ages since we've spent any time together and, I...I’d really rather not run into James and his gang tonight. They are way too distracting and I have to get my homework done.”

I would have liked to have offered up a clever quip or compliment, but I only nodded dumbly and watched in amazement and just a little suspicion as Lily Evans—one of the most popular girls in the school, and currently pursued by James Potter, wunderkind—sank gracefully to the floor. I had enough sense to realize I was staring and I covered up by handing her the book she wanted. 

“Thanks, Severus,” she said, accepting the tome. I wondered if it was some kind of trick, in spite of her claim to be hiding from Potter. I mean, really. Lily Evans studying with Severus Snape? She hadn't had much time for me since we'd arrived to Hogwarts--that awful first day when we were sorted into different houses and I'd lost my best--my only--friend. I half expected Potter or Black to round the corner at any second and hex me for having the audacity to be sitting in such close proximity to her. 

They'd done worse with little or no provocation. _"…it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”_*

I set my wand on the floor beside me, within reassuringly easy reach. As the minutes ticked by and no one interrupted, I relaxed a little. Somehow, and for reasons I did not understand, Lily Evans was sitting next to me on the library floor, working on her essay. I turned my attention back to my potions book and tried to concentrate on fine-tuning Sectumsempra, but I couldn’t focus. My gaze was irresistibly drawn back to her. I gave up on it, rested my chin in my hand and contemplated her instead.

“What are you working on?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes. “DADA homework.”

“Twelve inches on protective curses?”

“Right in one.”

“Isn’t that due tomorrow?” 

She grinned at me in a way that made me glad I was sitting down. 

“Yep. I’ve put it off…I hate writing essays. I do like the practical work, though.”

I couldn’t help grinning back. Merlin, it was just like the old days back home. “I know what you mean. Say, I’ve finished mine—would you like to have a look? If you think it will help.”

The expression of relief that crossed her face eased any remaining misgivings I had about her motives. 

“Of course I think it will help! Everyone knows DADA is your best subject besides Potions. Are you sure you don’t mind?” 

“No, I don’t mind.” I reached into my bag, pulled out the essay and handed it to her. Our fingers brushed and I felt a shiver of electricity crackle up my arm. 

“Thanks, Severus. You’re a life saver!” She unrolled the parchment and began to work on her essay, using the book, my essay and her notes. 

I bent my head, letting my hair fall in front of my face and pretended to study, her offhand compliment ringing in my ears. _Everyone knows DADA is your best subject..._ Did they? Did she? I doubted it. I could not allow myself believe what she said based on the facts of the bullying directed at me in last few years. Since Lucius had left school, no one seemed to want to sit with me or work on homework with me or talk to me. And mostly, I felt the same way. I preferred to keep to myself and tried to avoid the other students—especially those from Gryffindor house. For some reason, the entire house had decided to take up James’ and Sirius’ favorite sport—bullying me. The fact that Lily not only didn’t join in, but was seemingly making a statement by sitting with me was, quite frankly, shocking. I had relegated my memories of her to the back of my mind because it just seemed so impossible to maintain our friendship with her entire House against me. I couldn't resist studying her through the curtain of my hair as she worked. 

Her red hair was parted down the middle and tucked carelessly behind her ears. I was surprised to see that she still had a smattering of freckles on her nose and cheeks. I smiled to myself when she chewed on the end of her quill while she thought—that was something I did as well. Once she decided what she was going to write, she scratched away with the tip of her tongue peeking out from between her full, pink lips. I wished fleetingly that I was the kind of guy who could just lean forward and kiss her. But, at age fifteen, I had neither the experience nor the courage for that kind of thing. 

Before long she said without looking up “You’re staring at me, Severus.”

I felt a flush rise from my neck to my cheeks and I snatched my eyes away from her. “Sorry.”

Lily tilted her head and looked at me. “It’s okay. Hey, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

My face was so hot, I just knew it was going to spontaneously combust. “Why should I be embarrassed?” I snapped, more sharply than I intended. “What’s wrong with staring at the prettiest girl in the school?” 

I immediately regretted my hasty words. I was so embarrassed, I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole. I remember thinking: What business did I, Severus—no, make that _Snivellus_ Snape, Greasy Git with no friends—have dishing out compliments to Lily Evans, former childhood friend? I must be barking. I sat staring down at my potions book, in an agony of self-consciousness, just waiting for her to start laughing and make my humiliation complete. At the sound of the first snicker, I resolved to gather up my books, and what was left of my dignity, and flee to my room in the dungeon. 

But Lily didn’t laugh. Instead, she reached out—ignoring my reflexive flinch—and smoothed my untidy, ever-greasy hair out of my eyes by pushing it behind my ear. As I sat rooted to the spot, the places where her fingers touched my face prickling, somehow I found the courage to glance up at her. She was watching me contemplatively, her kind green eyes communicating both pleasure and warmth. I held her gaze steadily—my heart pounding so fast, I was sure that she would hear it. After a millennium, which in reality was only a few moments, she smiled. 

“Thank you, Severus. You’re very sweet to say so. I've missed spending time with you, the very first wizard I ever met.” 

Relief flooded through me and I was grateful for the sturdy bookshelves on which I was leaning. I nodded, picked up my quill and turned back to my book as I tried to swallow the Bludger that seemed to be lodged in my throat. I could hardly believe I had actually told any girl, never mind the popular _Lily Evans_ , that I thought she was pretty. And the best part was, she hadn’t laughed in my face. 

I think that was the moment I fell in love with her.

"Me too--I've missed you too." I managed to choke out from behind my hair. As I scribbled on a spare bit of parchment. I was too overwhelmed to do any actual work for several minutes. 

I couldn't stop myself and I sneaked another glance at her. Her cheeks were rather pinker than before and she was still smiling as she scribbled away on her essay. I couldn’t resist a small smile of my own. I relaxed for the first time in a long time and I turned my attention back to my own books once more.

We worked in companionable silence, occasionally punctuated by comments, queries, and occasional giggles until Madam Pince informed us with a disapproving sniff that it was nearly curfew. As the librarian walked away, Lily made a goofy face behind her back. I covered up my laughter with a coughing fit as we gathered our books. Much too soon we stood facing each other in the aisle.

“Thanks for you help tonight, Severus,” Lily smiled. “I never would have gotten that essay finished without you.”

“You’re welcome.” My nervousness was back. I took a deep breath and started talking before I lost my nerve completely. “Maybe we can study together again sometime—I mean, if you aren’t too busy.” 

I was a bundle of nerves as I awaited her reply. I prepared myself for the inevitable excuses—after all she had already obtained my help with her homework. I was sure that she would politely decline and I would be left standing there feeling like a fool. 

“I would like that.”

“You would?” I felt a lightness in my heart that I had never felt before. “Really?”

“Really. I told you--I've missed you.”

Before I knew what was happening, Lily leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the mouth. A sweet kiss that sent my soul soaring. 

She laid a hand on my cheek, looked into my eyes and said, “Good night, Severus.” Then she turned and hurried away, leaving me standing there in stunned disbelief.

I walked back to the dungeon as if in a dream, full of hope, wondering how soon I would see her again outside of class.

It turned out to be about a week later—hanging upside down by my ankle--mad as hell.

 _“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”_ *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I sit at my desk in the dungeon classroom, I close my eyes for a moment and remember the flicker of hurt that flitted across Lily’s face before it hardened.

 _”Fine,” she said coolly. “I won’t bother in the future. And—”_ *

I brace myself.

 _“—I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”_*

I suppose I deserved that. But what I have never understood is why did she never forgave me for losing my temper? Don't _real_ friends get shirty with each other then make it up later? I've seen it happen time and again. It's always been a mystery to me why that never happened for Lily and me. Why was my one mistake was so unforgivable? Especially when she knew that what Potter and his friends did to me was so much worse. Merlin's balls, Black tried to lure me into the Shrieking Shack during the full moon. I tried to apologize to no avail.

Oh yes, I well and truly paid for my loss of control that day—in more ways than just the humiliation—which would have been worse if Lupin hadn’t found the bollocks to stop James from stripping my pants off of me. But, back then, I would have endured even that—if it would have meant that I would have Lily’s friendship once more.

But, she never gave me another chance.

I shake myself, take my wand and place my memories back into my head, and my past.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
*Excerpted from “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, ‘Snape’s Worst Memory’” Pages 647-650. Copyright 2003 by J.K. Rowling


End file.
